The Great Lingerie Disaster of 2015

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I have a friend who I consider to be very knowledgeable about the world of sex. In highschool, she was my go-to person when I needed the know-how, the what-next or the what-is-that?! I have no idea how she had managed to acquire this vast wealth of knowledge and I had managed to miss out on almost every single relevant detail. I had a very sound understanding of pretty much nothing and so I relied heavily on her advice. Many a text message was sent to her first before being sent to a boy, because of course it’s necessary to determine if adding a smiley face makes you seem far too desperate. Her particular area of expertise? Lingerie.

One thing that I have always remembered from her advice was the power and importance of lingerie. A part of me still shudders simply writing that word. When I go shopping for something to cover my behind, I have three categories in mind: comfort, elasticity and price. My idea of a perfect day does not consist of my arse eating my undies. I like those bad boys to sit comfortably across all that God blessed me with (very little if we’re being honest) and I can’t imagine anything worse than constantly trying to pick undies out of where they should not be. Secondly, elasticity is important. I like a fresh snap when I pull that band and it comes back to bite me on the arse (almost literally). I like the comfort of knowing that they are staying where I last saw them this morning. And thirdly, I just can’t justify spending money on something that no one is going to see. Except that these days, there actually is someone to see them and I have recently discovered the battle that I assume women all around the world are facing: comfort vs. sexiness.

Finding a pair of underwear that is both visually stimulating and effortlessly comfortable is apparently the closest thing to impossible in this world. Every time I go to buy new undies these days, I have this little voice in the back of my head that says, ‘Is that really a sexy pair of undies though?” The answer by the way is generally no. So, me being me decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to go all out. It was a balls-to-the-wall kind of situation. Forget a borderline comfy pair of undies that had enough lace to classify as sexy. I made a commitment to being sexy and I was going to buy the lingerie that made me sexy!

Except having purchased said lingerie, I wouldn’t go as far as using the word sexy to describe myself…

I have one word and that earth-shattering, ‘can’t believe I’m saying this’ word is corset. Yes, I did it. I bought a corset (with matching undies) and it is an absolute, without a doubt disaster. It has about 20 hook-and-eyes down the back that I actually cannot reach to do up myself, which means either the male who the corset is for has to do them up (so not happening) or I need a third party present to assist in what now seems as a very elaborate night of being sexy. I really don’t foresee my best friend coming over to help me into my lingerie and then either discreetly slipping out or hiding awkwardly in the cupboard. On top of all of that, I actually can’t breathe in the thing and perhaps worse than my need for oxygen is my complete lack of understanding of what to do next. Do you leave it on whilst engaging in the activity motivated by the sexy lingerie? Does it come off? Do I try and get it off myself in a super sexy way and lasso it above my head? Or does he take it off and is that part also supposed to be sexy? Or is that where the sexy is on hold whilst the necessary occurs?! 

Let’s just say for argument’s sake that the darn thing stays on. When does it come off?! Am I still supposed to try and be sexy after everything is all finished, and strut off to the bathroom with a smirk on my face only to get in there and twist and turn (and inevitably smack my arm against that stupid towel rack again) and try and get the thing off? Or do I just admit defeat at that point and request assistance? Is my best friend still hiding in the cupboard to assist with phase two? Or was I supposed to set her up with food and drink, and a decent movie as a sort of ‘thanks for staying, your service is greatly appreciated’ type situation?

Maybe as a rookie, a corset was a big move. Maybe I should’ve just gone with a bit of lace and some extra padding. Go hard or go home I think though. Or alternatively, go hard and then call the emergency services for assistance because you’re stuck in your corset. Either way, I’m feeling that I’m in way over my head here… All I can say is that I hope the effort is appreciated because if I had my way, it would be granny undies and basic bras all day, every day. 

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