Pole dancing can’t just be for swans!


I am going to make a confession. I love pole dancing. I’m not entirely sure pole dancing loves me though…

Pole dancing requires some serious skills including insane core strength, a resistance to bruises that is unparalleled and the uncanny ability to walk (or perform) in ridiculously high platform heels. You can take this as truth from someone who previously pole danced. I am by no-means suggesting I was any good (I was okay at best, sadly) but I have discovered that I actually don’t mind bruises and that I am far more comfortable in terrifyingly high heels than I could have previously imagined.

As you can undoubtedly imagine, my parents are incredibly proud of this skill set I possess.

On top of all of those necessary skills however is the often forgotten about, but much needed, talent of being graceful. A beautiful swan I am not. I walk into the towel rail in my bathroom almost every morning, meaning that the bruise on my left arm is almost permanently there. It’s one thing to have the necessary strength and immunity to pain that is required for pole dancing, but without grace, you got nothing. If you can’t make anything you do look elegant (or dare we say, sexy) then no matter how many inversions you can do, it ain’t pretty.

This is where I want to interject myself (solid round of applause on that one) and say that I am not kidding when I say I lack the sexy. The sexy is not something I have unfortunately. You know those people that sort of possess it almost inherently? Okay, well I discovered that almost all of them were in my pole dancing class. There were no sexy stares, or body rolls, or hair flicking going on over here. I was that kid in the back with the air-conditioning blowing the wrong way so that my hair was permanently in my eyes and stuck to my lipgloss. I also unfortunately possess one of the best pancake arses in the world and therefore there is no twerking going on over here.

Now if you think I’m just being hyper-dramatic and writing nonsense for the sake of it, I hereby challenge you to prove me wrong. If you think you can do it, and at the very least do it better than me, then I want to know. I want to see you beautiful swans wrapping yourselves sexily around a pole. I want to see you do the splits and twerk and then wrap yourself, upside down, around a pole. And to clarify, I mean specifically a pole dancing pole. No street antics please, or drunken Friday night “I can doooo this!” attempts either. I’m telling you right now, you can’t. You will inevitably hurt yourself and your soul will forever be crushed. Trust me.

So please, if you can do it then I want to see. Teach me!

P.S – Also if you missed the entire point of this post, you might need clarifying on that picture up there. That is most definitely not me. I mean I can totally do that, but no one has caught it on camera yet. Such a shame.


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