Farts are just like your nose, you know?

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You know how when you go on TV to find love and then all of a sudden you fart? Yeah well you’re not alone.

In what would only happen on New Zealand TV, a Bachelor contestant let a fart rip on the first date. Apparently when she plonked down on the sand next to him in what was supposed to be a highly romantic first date, a cheeky little one just slipped out.

There is so much going on here. Firstly, you’re on a dating show and you’ve got gas. Secondly, why is he drawing attention to her wind problem? Third, I’m kind of surprised this doesn’t happen more often. Surely I am not the only person who does nervous farts? In my defence though, armed with this knowledge, I don’t go on TV shows where I’m likely to get nervous. I have a friend of a friend of a friend of mine who had the ultimate embarrassing noise moment, a fart to end all farts…

I think we can all agree that one of the most stressful sexual experiences you can have is the first time you have sex with a person. Things that haven’t been waxed in months are suddenly hair-free, lingerie that smells a little dusty is now being aired out and sheets that haven’t been cleaned since who knows when are now just waiting to be used. It’s game time. So this friend of a friend of a friend of mine was prepared. We’re talking Boy Scout level of preparedness. If things went bad, she would know how to work out which direction she was heading, how to light a fire without kindle and how to filter her urine through a snakeskin so it would be drinkable (thanks Bear). Her male suitor came over and after some pointless chit-chat, the real action began.

Fast forward to moments after the finale. Everyone is feeling pretty good about themselves, there are high fives all round. As she attempted her dismount, it happened. The one thing that you do not want to happen ever, and especially not after your first time with someone. I cringe writing this.

She farted. But not just a regular fart. The kind of fart that no one ever wants to have happen. The dreaded vagina fart. The one and only queef.

There was absolutely no way around it. She had done it, and it was loud, and there was no pretending it was anything other than what it was. There it was, this fart just sitting in the air between them the way your nose just sits between your eyes – hard to see but most definitely there. Like you can pretend your nose isn’t there, but it is. And when you’re drunk and you’re trying to prove sobriety by trying to touch your nose but you just keep missing the mark. You KNOW it’s there, but you just can’t get a hold of it.

The moral of this story kids is that farts happen to the best of us at the worst of times. Can you do anything about it? Absolutely not. Can you pretend that it wasn’t you? Most definitely. My foolproof strategy? Let a cheeky one fly and then whip your head around wildly, loudly asking if anyone else heard that bull frog behind you?!

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